So I have a little addiction... It involves my son.
First I need to give a little background so you can understand. When Calvin was born we had a bit of a rough beginning. It lasted about 4 months. Instead of getting to snuggle my baby to sleep, and have him snuggle into my chest and neck; I had to place him in bed crying after trying everything i could to pacify him.
I never got to "enjoy" the newborn stage because my newborn was sick and hurting. When we finally got a diagnosis for him, and he could enjoy a day without pain, I found I had a whole new person to meet. He was so happy and social! I realized i had a VERY snuggely baby. On that day an addiction was born. I wanted every snuggle I could get. Every love, every baby caress of my face was satisfaction to the extreme.
This week may have made my #1 of top 10. My baby has learned how to kiss. If you could see my face right now you would see how I can't take the smile off my face, or the emotion out of my eyes.
Every night I play a kissing game with Calvin when i put him to bed. I sing to him and rock him while he pets my face and feels how my lips make the words to the song. I then kiss each little finger individually, the palm of his hand, up his little arm and to his eyes, nose and mouth. He gently giggles and coo's at me the whole time. And when I stop he makes little grunts at me until I do it again. This goes for a little while until he snuggles in deeper to my chest, grabs my shirt collar to start rubbing, puts his face in my neck and falls asleep with contented little sighs.
This is when I hold him as tight and close as I can, and think to myself how I just cannot ever get enough of him. And then last night as I was changing his diaper, he started practicing with his lips how to kiss and make the sound. I asked him to give mama a kiss and he promptly opened his mouth slightly and put it against my cheek. I think my heart almost burst.
It is hard for me to be around newborns right now. I get really emotional and think back to Calvin and I, and feel like I really missed out on something. My brother just had a baby. Only 6 ounces bigger than Calvin was. I went to visit at the hospital and he is so beautiful, and CALM. I think to myself how much everyone will love to be around him, and will want to hold him. And I hope they know how lucky they are.
People only wanted to hold Calvin when he wasn't crying, which wasn't often. I had members of my own family say they didn't want any more kids because they didn't want to get one like mine. And they would get bugged and ask if he ever shut up. When he was awake and happy, he was usually vomiting every few minutes and the look of disgust and the comments about the smells tore at my heart. So you can see why it's a bit painful to look back at the last 6 months.
But then there are nights like tonight, and last night.... Nights when I think to myself that in a way I am grateful we went through what we did, because now the ABSOLUTE JOY that I feel is such contrast to the grief and exhaustion of before. Is it weird to say that I almost think it is one of those tender mercies of god? That he can show me such an extreme one way so that when I have the other, or even just the norm, that I can appreciate it so fully?
I never thought I would say it but I am so GRATEFUL for what Calvin and I went through. I think it's safe to say that we BOTH take every day one at a time, and enjoy every moment therein, grateful for each good pain free moment. He is my addiction and I'm pretty sure that at least some of the time, I am his.
